Post 12 The split up

My parents finally went separate ways.The separation was very hard on me,I wanted to be with my mom and I wanted to be with my dad...Yes as mean as he was I still wanted to be with him...On the weekends when I went and stayed with him ,he treated me good...That was the dad I always wanted...My mom was out doing things she never really got to do and was having fun...She was not a perfect mom so please don't think that is what I am saying...My oldest brother and I had more freedom then ever...We loved where we lived and had lots of friends...I guess getting away from the fighting between mom and dad helped with my anger issues...I was playing with other kids and not starting trouble...We was happy,but I was sad as well,I missed my dad...Well about 9 months went by and my mom and dad went back together...So we moved back into that little falling down trailer...I went back to the same school,but I was able to make fiends because I was not the mad little boy anymore..I was in the 6 th grade then,when I entered middle school I got mixed up with the wrong crowd,pot heads...So this was the start of an 18 year addiction...I first started smoking cigs,then beer,then pot...by age 15 I drank beer like water and whiskey like water....This was the start of 18 years of pure hell...

Post #11 Thinking back on my chilhood

I think how would people feel if they thought no one believed in them as a child ...My dad used to always say "You little bast--d you will never be worth a dam , you are worthless ... You will never be worth a dime...I still remember him saying that as if it was yesterday....  He told me that time and time again...So as a child I grew up believing I was worthless....It seemed the harder I tried to be a good person the harder life was for me....I was a mean child, the kids in my neighborhood would be playing football  and they would see me coming and stop playing and go home. Why I never knew until I became much  older and became friends with one of those kids that always stopped playing and went home...He told me we didn't dislike you we just didn't want to get hurt because you was so mean back then....I was always picked last to be on a team at school, why I never have figured out because i was good at sports,I guess they just didn't like me as well because i was so mean....But God has made me a better person...Growing up a poor,abused child is very hard, It makes you either strong or week....I thank God he made me strong ..

Post # 10 After Easter

Not long after that Easter we almost lost mom....She had blood clots in her legs and they moved..I am not sure how long she was in the hospital , but it seemed like forever...When we got home from school each day we (my older brother and I) would go to the hospital and sit in the waiting room most of the time , while dad visited mom...I remember the night they almost lost her,my dad seemed to be very upset and scared....I know he loved her,but how could he beat her like he did...Well he thought she was messing around,was she I can't say....I don't really know,at least I know where she was the night he beat her....I have always thought if you love someone how,how can you hit,kick and beat them ? Besides I know 2 wrongs don't make a right but he did it I know.I am not saying she did cheat on him but even if she would have why is it right for him to beat her.....While mom was in the hospital we would go hunting,coon hunting every night..He let my older brother and I start chewing snuff (tobacco) that was the start of my first addiction.

Post # 9 Coloring Easter Eggs

One night my mother and I was home coloring Easter eggs,while my dad went coon hunting...And for those who might not know you coon hunt at night time..So It was late when my dad came back home from hunting, mom and I had been home all evening we never left the house...When my dad walked back in my mom was across the dinner table from me,and I was sitting right beside the door coloring eggs,he looked at my mom and said "Where in the hell have you been ? " Mom looked back at him and said "no where we have been right here all evening." Well that was the wrong answer my dad started cursing her and told me to go sit on the couch,he grabbed my mom and made her sit in the living room chair....He still had his gun in hand , and he took it down across the chair arm and it split the stock,well that was her fault to in his eyes...He started beating here and my mom said to me go get your gran ma. Well dad  looked at me and said " I dare you to move" so I had to sit there and watch him slap and beat her...After this went on and on  She told me to go get my gran ma witch lived about 100 yards from us....So this time I went and got gran ma,,,,as I walk back in there is my mom with tears dripping to the floor and my dad still in a rage...Mom told Gran ma what was going on and she told mom if you deserve it then you deserve it...He accused her of out messing around...

Post # 8 More about DAD

My dad loved to hunt and go fishing ....He also competed in Championship hunts ... He would take us with him that was always  fun times ..We knew at least for one day we was not going to get a whipping,only because we was around so many people...But if we messed up in the littlest way,boy would we ever get it when we got home...He breed and trained coon hounds to sale them...Some times we would have up to 9 or so adult dogs, and 2 or 3 litters of puppies at any given time....My dad made my older brother and I take care of them...We had to give the adult dogs a 5 gallon bucket of water each , every morning and every evening .And had to feed them before school every morning...When he came home from work if he seen one little bug in the water he would say "Get your little ----- asses out here...He would dump every bucket and make us refill them in front of him ,then a kick in the butt or a backhand across the face was coming...We would say sorry dad but we just gave them all fresh water well that didn't matter...One time when he was at work in the summer time one of the dogs had a litter of puppies and something was wrong with them...They seemed to have something stuck in their throats.....So my brother and I played with them all day scared they would die before he got home from work...Well this still today tears my heart apart and this happened when I was about 7 years old or younger...When he got home he told my older brother and I to go out back and dig a hole , we ask why and he said don't question me just go do as I said....So we went and did what he said ,then out comes old dad with a gun.....My brother said dad we dug that hole for ya he said well go get those puppies and put them in the hole....We begged not to, we knew to go or else.....So he made us put those puppies in the hole and said go stand right there...Right there was just far enough from the hole that we could still see what he was about to do...That is right he made us stand there while he shot each one of those poor little puppies.......Now the tears run and he turns and says don't cry or i will belt your ass....

Post # 7 The next four years

I stayed clean until I was 12,then I got hooked up with the wrong people....Just entering Middle school smoking pot was cool....I would do anything just to fit in with the crowd.......when I was about 9 I was abused by a female cousin of mine.....She was at least 15 years or so older then me.....That I kept to myself I felt so dirty,so hurt inside......It brought back memories of things my dad had done to my mom....How did I know these things had happened ,because he would do these terrible things in that little trailer and my older brother and  would have to listen to it go on...This is a hard thing to swallow but even a few times my mom yelled for my brother or me to help her,but we knew if we would get out of our bed to help, he would of beat us close to death...Then another time I remember my uncles van parked in my gran ma's back yard , and all these guys including my dad gathering around this van...So my brother and I said lets go see what they are looking at in the van...Well I wish I would of never walked around to that open door....There is my uncle,my dad,and a few of his cousin having their way with this lady.....So as you can see I came from a sick family....Not all of my family was like this but there sure was enough of those sick people...

Post # 6 After the Game

Once the game was over and every one left the ball park except my aunt , my parents and I..My father yelled you little S.O.B you have been smoking pot... I said no I haven't but he had that look in his eyes....And he said are you telling me you don't know what I am talking about......I said yes dad I don't know what you are talking about.....Well I was telling the truth because I didn't know what pot was....I was to scared to tell him I had been smoking cigarettes, because I knew I was going to get another whipping,well today we call it a beating....This is when I found out what pot was ,,,after getting whipped for lying and another whipping for crying and another whipping for smoking pot....Yes for crying,he would whip us (my older brother) and I and say stop crying or I will beat you again.....He always called us little Bastards and other very hurtful things...So once the beating was over he sit us down and told us he was told by one of our cousins that we had been smoking pot...I then started to say "dad i have smoked cigs. that my uncle gave us",and he said I don't want to hear your mouth I am telling you what I know.....Finally after the beating and the hour or so of cursing us he ask where did you get it? I said dad the only thing I have smoke is what your brother Allen gives us.....Hell broke lose....My uncle is about 20 years older then me........He should of known better.....I went clean for the next four years......

Post # 5 Me as a child

When I was a child I was very shy. I never cared if I had designer clothes or shoes it just didn't matter..I remember wearing my fish heads that is what the other kids called them...I would walk and trip over the souls because they would peel lose and trip me....Those old checkered bell bottom pants I hated so much,but i was thankful i even had those...I didn't have very many friends because everyone made fun of me...Then one day I became mean,that's right mean little boy I was.......I stopped letting people pick on me because I could not help my parents did not have money to run out and get me new stuff all the time...At age 5 my cousins that was 4 or 5 years older then me gave me this little plastic bottle and said smell this...So I did they would say sniff it real hard so I did...I didn't know what it was....Then a few months had passed and my uncle gave me a cigarette and said smoke this,so I did and that went on until I was 8 years old...Finally someone with some sense told my parents what was going on....I remember it well we was at a little league baseball game...And when i came off  the field between innings my dad told me to go sit in the truck until the game was over....I had no idea what was going on,I just knew by his voice it was butt whipping time....  What was in that little bottle was Rush what was that cig. that made me feel so funny POT.....Boy was I in trouble...

Our Home (trailer) post #4

What we called home was a 8 by 48 foot mobile home....There was 5 of us that lived in this mobile home....We did not have running water.....Yes we had a sink,a bath tub,shower and toilet,but no running water......There was a storage tank that sit in the way of the back door,that would hold water pumped from the well....The tank had a hose hooked to it,and we would use that to flush our toilet,and fill the bath tub.....Yes we took cold baths in the summer time,and in the winter my gran ma would let us take baths at her house......Gran ma only lived about 50 yards from us,,,,and I thank God for that....When the wind blew hard enough the walls would shake,,,and even snow would blow up under my bed....It was very cold , all we had was this little round black heater that took kerosene...It kept us from freezing to death but that was about it......I remember when i was in 5th. grade that thing smoked every thing up in the house.....My mom woke my oldest brother and I up to get ready for school and she yelled, "come on boys get up the house is black....Why it never killed us was because of all the air leaks in the walls....I mean these walls was so bad you could of shook them and the entire place would of hit the ground......But we had a roof over our head is what my dad always said.....All of us was so black it looked as if we just came out of the coal mine and rubbed coal dust all over us,it was very bad....This didn't just happin one time but several...The picture above is not it...But it is the same size and make but in a lot and I mean a lot better shape....

My Dad post #3

When I was 4 or 5 years old I started hunting with my dad..I remember sometimes going was so fun...But then other times he was so mean,he would leave me in the woods in the dark,with no flash light. I could see his light getting harder and harder to see as he walked away from me.One night he left me there waiting for him to come back for me I heard an owl screech and it sounded like a lady yelling help....So I took of running toward his light.When I finally got to him he says "What the he-- is wrong with you" as I stood there shaking like a leaf he slapped me on the shoulder and demands I go back to where I was and listen to see if I hear his dogs barking...I begged him not to make me go and I told him about what I thought was a lady yelling,he called me a stupid little s.o.b. and made me go.                                                                                                                                     To let you know about the place where we was hunting,this place was an old quarry,full of water.These quarry holes as he called them had 100's of feet of water in them.. There was 3 large quarries and a few small swamps...In the day light you could stand on the cliffs and see old machines and cars down deep in the water...A few times even a few bodies was found there...This was a place where a lot of stolen cars was pushed into the water and bodies thrown....So you can already see why i was so scared.

Mom and Dad...post #2

           My mom and dad always fought...I was always so nervous, I felt lost, lost in this life. I remember one time my dad told my brother and I, we could play baseball right beside the trailer we lived in ,yes even told us where to place the bases.  And I hit a foul ball ,and it busted a window, that was one whipping I will never forget. My father passed in 1990 and I now still feel lost for him.. As you read more of my story you will see why I man can feel lost for someone as mean as he was .

As I can remember post # 1

My name is Brent . I am not very educated but I will try not to lose you to bad...I grew up in a very small town in West Virginia. A poor child,abused,beat, and bruised. My parents never had much,but we at least survived.There was five of us my parents and 2 other brothers.We lived in a very small mobile home...Our mobile home was very old and in very bad shape.I can remember when it would snow ,and the wind would blow,the snow would pile up under my bed.Why,because the walls was in very bad shape and they had holes in them...                                                                                                                                                              Any way this is the start of my story. I will add more each day as I remember things.....I went to therapy finally a few years ago,I am a better person then I ever knew...My therapist on my last visit said she was proud of me,I ask her why..She said Brent most people that have went through what you have don't make it here....Well I will be 40 years old in two days....And I am still dancing the dance of life.