Post 12 The split up

My parents finally went separate ways.The separation was very hard on me,I wanted to be with my mom and I wanted to be with my dad...Yes as mean as he was I still wanted to be with him...On the weekends when I went and stayed with him ,he treated me good...That was the dad I always wanted...My mom was out doing things she never really got to do and was having fun...She was not a perfect mom so please don't think that is what I am saying...My oldest brother and I had more freedom then ever...We loved where we lived and had lots of friends...I guess getting away from the fighting between mom and dad helped with my anger issues...I was playing with other kids and not starting trouble...We was happy,but I was sad as well,I missed my dad...Well about 9 months went by and my mom and dad went back together...So we moved back into that little falling down trailer...I went back to the same school,but I was able to make fiends because I was not the mad little boy anymore..I was in the 6 th grade then,when I entered middle school I got mixed up with the wrong crowd,pot heads...So this was the start of an 18 year addiction...I first started smoking cigs,then beer,then pot...by age 15 I drank beer like water and whiskey like water....This was the start of 18 years of pure hell...

Post #11 Thinking back on my chilhood

I think how would people feel if they thought no one believed in them as a child ...My dad used to always say "You little bast--d you will never be worth a dam , you are worthless ... You will never be worth a dime...I still remember him saying that as if it was yesterday....  He told me that time and time again...So as a child I grew up believing I was worthless....It seemed the harder I tried to be a good person the harder life was for me....I was a mean child, the kids in my neighborhood would be playing football  and they would see me coming and stop playing and go home. Why I never knew until I became much  older and became friends with one of those kids that always stopped playing and went home...He told me we didn't dislike you we just didn't want to get hurt because you was so mean back then....I was always picked last to be on a team at school, why I never have figured out because i was good at sports,I guess they just didn't like me as well because i was so mean....But God has made me a better person...Growing up a poor,abused child is very hard, It makes you either strong or week....I thank God he made me strong ..

Post # 10 After Easter

Not long after that Easter we almost lost mom....She had blood clots in her legs and they moved..I am not sure how long she was in the hospital , but it seemed like forever...When we got home from school each day we (my older brother and I) would go to the hospital and sit in the waiting room most of the time , while dad visited mom...I remember the night they almost lost her,my dad seemed to be very upset and scared....I know he loved her,but how could he beat her like he did...Well he thought she was messing around,was she I can't say....I don't really know,at least I know where she was the night he beat her....I have always thought if you love someone how,how can you hit,kick and beat them ? Besides I know 2 wrongs don't make a right but he did it I know.I am not saying she did cheat on him but even if she would have why is it right for him to beat her.....While mom was in the hospital we would go hunting,coon hunting every night..He let my older brother and I start chewing snuff (tobacco) that was the start of my first addiction.

Post # 9 Coloring Easter Eggs

One night my mother and I was home coloring Easter eggs,while my dad went coon hunting...And for those who might not know you coon hunt at night time..So It was late when my dad came back home from hunting, mom and I had been home all evening we never left the house...When my dad walked back in my mom was across the dinner table from me,and I was sitting right beside the door coloring eggs,he looked at my mom and said "Where in the hell have you been ? " Mom looked back at him and said "no where we have been right here all evening." Well that was the wrong answer my dad started cursing her and told me to go sit on the couch,he grabbed my mom and made her sit in the living room chair....He still had his gun in hand , and he took it down across the chair arm and it split the stock,well that was her fault to in his eyes...He started beating here and my mom said to me go get your gran ma. Well dad  looked at me and said " I dare you to move" so I had to sit there and watch him slap and beat her...After this went on and on  She told me to go get my gran ma witch lived about 100 yards from us....So this time I went and got gran ma,,,,as I walk back in there is my mom with tears dripping to the floor and my dad still in a rage...Mom told Gran ma what was going on and she told mom if you deserve it then you deserve it...He accused her of out messing around...

Post # 8 More about DAD

My dad loved to hunt and go fishing ....He also competed in Championship hunts ... He would take us with him that was always  fun times ..We knew at least for one day we was not going to get a whipping,only because we was around so many people...But if we messed up in the littlest way,boy would we ever get it when we got home...He breed and trained coon hounds to sale them...Some times we would have up to 9 or so adult dogs, and 2 or 3 litters of puppies at any given time....My dad made my older brother and I take care of them...We had to give the adult dogs a 5 gallon bucket of water each , every morning and every evening .And had to feed them before school every morning...When he came home from work if he seen one little bug in the water he would say "Get your little ----- asses out here...He would dump every bucket and make us refill them in front of him ,then a kick in the butt or a backhand across the face was coming...We would say sorry dad but we just gave them all fresh water well that didn't matter...One time when he was at work in the summer time one of the dogs had a litter of puppies and something was wrong with them...They seemed to have something stuck in their throats.....So my brother and I played with them all day scared they would die before he got home from work...Well this still today tears my heart apart and this happened when I was about 7 years old or younger...When he got home he told my older brother and I to go out back and dig a hole , we ask why and he said don't question me just go do as I said....So we went and did what he said ,then out comes old dad with a gun.....My brother said dad we dug that hole for ya he said well go get those puppies and put them in the hole....We begged not to, we knew to go or else.....So he made us put those puppies in the hole and said go stand right there...Right there was just far enough from the hole that we could still see what he was about to do...That is right he made us stand there while he shot each one of those poor little puppies.......Now the tears run and he turns and says don't cry or i will belt your ass....

Post # 7 The next four years

I stayed clean until I was 12,then I got hooked up with the wrong people....Just entering Middle school smoking pot was cool....I would do anything just to fit in with the crowd.......when I was about 9 I was abused by a female cousin of mine.....She was at least 15 years or so older then me.....That I kept to myself I felt so dirty,so hurt inside......It brought back memories of things my dad had done to my mom....How did I know these things had happened ,because he would do these terrible things in that little trailer and my older brother and  would have to listen to it go on...This is a hard thing to swallow but even a few times my mom yelled for my brother or me to help her,but we knew if we would get out of our bed to help, he would of beat us close to death...Then another time I remember my uncles van parked in my gran ma's back yard , and all these guys including my dad gathering around this van...So my brother and I said lets go see what they are looking at in the van...Well I wish I would of never walked around to that open door....There is my uncle,my dad,and a few of his cousin having their way with this lady.....So as you can see I came from a sick family....Not all of my family was like this but there sure was enough of those sick people...

Post # 6 After the Game

Once the game was over and every one left the ball park except my aunt , my parents and I..My father yelled you little S.O.B you have been smoking pot... I said no I haven't but he had that look in his eyes....And he said are you telling me you don't know what I am talking about......I said yes dad I don't know what you are talking about.....Well I was telling the truth because I didn't know what pot was....I was to scared to tell him I had been smoking cigarettes, because I knew I was going to get another whipping,well today we call it a beating....This is when I found out what pot was ,,,after getting whipped for lying and another whipping for crying and another whipping for smoking pot....Yes for crying,he would whip us (my older brother) and I and say stop crying or I will beat you again.....He always called us little Bastards and other very hurtful things...So once the beating was over he sit us down and told us he was told by one of our cousins that we had been smoking pot...I then started to say "dad i have smoked cigs. that my uncle gave us",and he said I don't want to hear your mouth I am telling you what I know.....Finally after the beating and the hour or so of cursing us he ask where did you get it? I said dad the only thing I have smoke is what your brother Allen gives us.....Hell broke lose....My uncle is about 20 years older then me........He should of known better.....I went clean for the next four years......